What Middle Name For Son?

Dear Ookla,

Hey there! I was pretty excited to find your site this morning, but it looks like you haven't posted since October of last year. Which is a shame since I have a question only you can help me with. Oh what the Hell, I'll ask you anyway...Ookla, I am expecting my first born son in 4 months and my wife and I still haven't picked out a middle name. Our friends and family have been of no help, so I'm turning to you for advice. The boy's first name is Quinn...what do you think his middle name should be?

Hope to hear from you soon, Mr. C

---

Blurgs Mr. C.

Ookla no update since October ‘cause not get questions. Also, busy going through vetting process for Secretary of Commerce. Ookla grilled hard by Senate committee over failure to pay taxes, had to lose temper and devour seven talky-talk suit-men before Capitol Hill Police stun Ookla with taser. All covered up by media, and Ookla not get position, but not Ookla loss. Is loss for country. DC suck anyway. Ookla pass through in episode “The Brotherhood of Night,” and almost get killed by werewolf villagers. Not care if never go back, especially since not plow streets, all residents scardy-scared of little white stuff.

First, Ookla happy hear you having kitten. But only one in litter? And Ookla bet like other humans you have only one wife at time. That not the life for Mok. Ookla want be free to do mating dance with any female he want. Enough Mok to go around, ladies, so not discriminate.

Downside is, in twenty years Ookla have to put thirty-six Mok kittens through college if live that long. But Ookla not likely to live that long. Ookla hope to die in ferocious battle for noble cause long before then, taking up Sun Sword with Thundarr to oppose “sea of outrageous fortunes.” Then again, Ookla approaching thirty.

So, enough talky-talk and to you question: What middle name for you kitten? Wonder why you no ask Ookla for advice on first name, and why you ask family and friends for middle name before Ookla, but you hairless man-ape and can’t always do smart thing right off bat. That you ask now show you probably one of few humans who escape rampaging wizard to warn Thundarr, advance plot.

First name is Quinn. Okay. Kid going to forever be saying, “With two Ns.” So may eventually choose to go by middle name. This make middle name important. Since most Mok names not pronounceable by human tongue, you may have rip out child tongue and you tongue to use Mok name. You probably think that too painy-pain to do, plus not taste steak anymore. That important. One of few pleasures in miserable life.

Perhaps you consider name “Thundarr”? Creed, not laugh! When you family and friends complain, you point out that they not come up with jack – or even Jack Tripper – for name. Or maybe you ask other kids to name new kitten. Know this you first kitten, but why not ask kids in neighborhood?

Once, around campfire, Ariel tell story of woman two decades before runaway moon in 1994. She have six children when find she in pudding club for seventh. So she let kittens she have name new brother. Seventh child now bears proud name: Steve Austin Driscoll. Now that name to inspire fear and respect, especially if you fembot – and Ookla run into lots evil robots. Tell you, that come in handy, although Steve Austin only have one bionic arm. Feel bad Rudy Wells so cheap. If Ookla ever meet, he help Steve by ripping off puny flesh arm so he have all four limbs bionic like race car driver Barney Hiller.

Yes, Barney Hiller sound like Barney Miller -- and, yes, that is name.

You blame me? Maybe you not in position to pick on writers in 70’s for naming bit characters when you can’t name son. Yeah, you see now is hard. Also make point that name important. Hiller cost million more than Steve Austin, yet name is lame so not matter that he bench-press twice as much. Better to have no name than crappy name.

By the way, Ookla not vain, but you be welcome to use name Ookla. However, McFarlane Toys and Ruby-Spears Productions have rights. Ookla foolishly sell away own name in 80’s when just young and foolish, have same crappy agent as Billy Joel. You know song “Piano Man”? Yeah, Ookla meet Joel in bar (always find Joel’s in bars, you ever notice?) when he write that song.

Ookla have same experience, only flip out when no one put bread in jar after hear Ookla sing. When red-haze-of-berserker-rage wear off, Real Estate Novelist, Davy, Jon the Bartender, and slutty waitress all lay dead in maroon pools of blood at Ookla feet claws.

Ookla like ramble, you thinking about now. Well, yes, but you ask question of Mok on important issue, and that not so easy. Let focus now. In Mok culture, not believe in naming kittens after fruit or bottle caps or numbers – and don’t pick just because “like name.” No. Pick name of relative, great warrior or leader. Middle name good for this: William Tecumseh Sherman. Or maybe Thor. If you kick enough ass, usually have only one name: Thor, Superman, Ike. Just not be like idiot who pick Hitler, okay? Okay.

Name – first, middle, last – supposed to inspire fear and respect. Quinn, wish could mock, but K-sound is strong sound. Not Dave or Steve or Reginald. Not great, mind you, but could be lot worse. So you maybe trust instincts for middle name.

Maybe pick name of historical figure, give child head start on history lesson that won’t be taught in school? Quinn Lincoln? Remember, Lincoln stone head still last two thousand years in future when I ride by on trusty Equart. Never know, maybe people confuse, think you son free slaves instead of work mid-level job in accounting.

So Ookla not going to do this for you. Clearly, hard part already done. You have kitten and name to call other than “Hey you!” What else matter? Stop asking family and friends what they think, ‘cause that only screw you over you pick one in tribe over other. They all fighty-fight, get hissy – plus whoever you pick then think they have claim on kitten, call you son that name all time instead of Quinn. What if Quinn hate middle name?

No, no, no. That typical hairless-ape folly. Try be all nice and worry what other people think. Choice is you and you wife – and know what? Mok society require only ONE name. Since you ask Mok, you obviously revere Mok, so go with no name. Is precedent, again, from you own human leaders.

Thundarr not have middle name. (Does have last name: Liebowitz. Peek under loin cloth and you see.) Ulysses S Grant name changed when he sign into West Point. Real name Hiram Ulysses Grant, so he have S in name and not know what it for, but he kick lot ass. Harry Truman add S to name ‘cause think presidents need middle initial, but Washington, Jefferson, Millard Fillmore, William McKinley, Theodore Roosevelt, etc. – no middle names.

No middle name is fine. Like ancient Rush song say, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” You kitten can always add middle name later. Probably choose Tiberius, then annoy fans when middle initial R is used on fake tombstone. Maybe rotate names throughout he life. As child, Quinn Spongebob. As teen, Quinn Wolverine. In college, Quinn Kirkagard (or Dick Van Patten). Eventually, he in rocking chair as Quinn Matlock – and by then, you dead and buried in grave of you own, hopefully with flesh of enemies still under foreclaw nails.

So why worry? You have more important things worry about. No ask anybody – not rest of tribe, not idiot friends, not even Mok. Quinn not care about anything but getting to teet when he get here anyway.

In that way, he already much like Mok.

Hope this you help.

Sincerely,
OTM