Ookla Debate #1 Recap

Blurgs, pathetic-muscled humans.

Is Ookla, you favorite pundit-Mok.

Just watched debate, and take notes (mostly X's) on wall -- carved into wall with claws. All so mushy-mush. Kickpushed seven televisions out window while watching. Did mostly because no can stand browny-brown hair man Jim Lehrer.

Look, you know and Ookla know truth: Lehrer not amount to dragon turd without MacNeil. MacNeil carry whole show for years; now Gwen Ifill carry Lehrer.

And tell you something else: Lehrer no fool nobody with super-brown dyed hair. All fakey-fake. Plus, face puffy, look no like man. Look more like Alice from Brady Bunch.

Anyway, debate was stupid. That bottom line. Hear all spinny-spin after.

McCain at least no look so whitey-white in skin. Know he have spell of age or something on him, but seem better tonight. Look only in mid-90's, ha ha. Obama, all stumble-stumble, so that not good for him. Ookla admit he find self missing Ross Perot. Little man always funny -- and look tasty, be able to devour all in one bite.

Also, Perot have folksy metaphors, "Get under hood, fix car, make go vroom," and like. No get that tonight. Get some yappy and challenging.

Ookla angry not see any blood. Not one drop! So angry, but can't threaten or Secret Service hassle Ookla.

Bottom line is still same: Ookla not vote for either man. Ookla vote for Thundarr. Not even care that Thundarr no polling above 1%, going to "throw vote away."

You want Mok answer to terrorism? Ookla tell you. Go into every country that look at you crossways, and smash things down to tiny pieces size of gooseberries. Smash, smash, kill, kill, kill. That Ookla answer.

Oh, and torture? Boohoo! No let anyone tell you torture no work. Ookla tell you from experience, you want intelligence, you do this way: bite one finger off at time. Tell you one thing, never need get to second thumb and man start singing like Tammy Wynette.

Ookla watch more coverage now. Already angry at stupid talkie-talkers, but still watch, better to report back you loyal reader.

OTM

What Wear to Debate?

Ookla,

Tonight, I have to speak in a very important debate tonight. What suit & tie combo would you recommend?

Sincerely,

AAG Jr.

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Blurgs AAG Jr.,

First, you repeat self, say, "tonight...tonight." That stupid. No do in debate, okay?

Okay.

As for clothes, you look Ookla, okay? What you see? Only wear loin cloth, that right. Less mean more, you hear that expression? Well, it stupid, yes. Someone try give Ookla half yak for dinner and tell is more than full yak, Ookla take balance of meat out of he ass. But kind of true this way: You wear less clothes, show off more body, and voters follow. You no wear stupid piece of cloth around neck. Come out in no more clothes than Thundarr, and you be winner -- unless you all flabby-flab in first place. Then you deserve lose.

OTM

Ookla Hear Comment on Debate...

"Crypt Keeper is doing pretty well."

Why No Thundarr Movie?

Dear Ookla,

I always hear that there's a Thundarr movie in the works, but then the buzz fades away? What gives? Is Princess Ariel holding out for more money?

Your in Loving Sorcery,
The Evil Wizard Uncle Sabian.

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Blurgs Uncle,

You question Ookla hear often, so tired of hearing he swear gnaw lips off next man what ask. Since you ask over email, though, you safe -- and Ookla tell.

Ariel into role -- willing take any role, to tell you truth. She put on real weight after show end, go into downward spiral like Grace Lee Whitney. Do some soft core breathy-breathy films. You find on YouTube.

Thundarr own all original rights is problem, and not want let anyone else play role -- but he all tubby too. No longer "lift Sun Sword" so easily, if you know what Mok mean.

But Ookla, he always game for movie. Suggest pilot, swear can carry whole show -- not like baby-hand sissy Ohio-boy in R*A*D*A*R -- but networks execs no bite. Maybe that 'cause Ookla bite them first. Not know. Hollywood types all gabby-gabby. No can trust.

Hope this answer you question, and thank you writing Ookla.

OTM

How Crisis Compare to Runaway Moon?

Dear Ookla,
How does this financial crisis compare to the crisis in 1994, when a runaway planet hurtled between the Earth and the Moon, unleashing cosmic destruction?
Sincerely,
Gemini the Evil Wizard

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Blurgs GEW,

See you put on all nicey-nicey face for you ask question, not angry face what sound like low-rent Fred Flintstone -- later seasons, too, with stupid Gazoo. Jump shark, and no cool shark with laser beams on head.

Stupid two-faced Gemini never be nobody without runaway planet, probably be car salesman -- ha ha. They two-faced, too.

Ookla no like Gemini, since can no even Blurgh when Gemini around. Not know why. Must be magic.

Run away planet clearly caused by Wonder Woman she Invisible Jet. Sound same. Ookla watch opening credits many time.

Wall Street flooded after calamity, and man stupid weak society cast in ruin. This crisis not nothing compare that, despite what Al Gore say all worry floody-flood. Not that Mok like water, but also not think doughy beard shouty-man can to fix. Him not even wizard.

Anyway, Gemini, maybe you come over Ookla cave we talk more -- ha ha. You come alone, no weapons, just to talk. You try? Good. Hope you enjoy feel of Sun Sword enema.

Yours Blurghly,
OTM

What Do About Financial Crisis?

Ookla,

As financial institutions prepare for a more challenging funding environment, in part by conserving capital, and as they anticipate the higher potential losses that would normally accompany an economic slowdown, will their response, in aggregate, make markets and the economy potentially more vulnerable to that adverse outcome?

Just wondering,

Princess Ariel

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Blurgs Princess,

You question not-so stupid, like mostly woman. Ookla lose interest after "funding," but still raise interesting point, and Ookla no cut you off with Moking like Bob Grant or Jay Diamond.

Answer always is growth -- and punching. Lots punching. Ookla live long time, and never yet find crisis no could punch way out of. When you down, keep punching. You come out okay in end. You see.

Hope this you help.

OTM

Are You Related to Cookie Monster?

Dear Ookla,

I'm always amazed at how similar your voice is to that of Cookie Monster. I want a Thudarr-Cookie ticket in '08.

Signed,
Sober in Seattle

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Blurgs, SIS,

Ookla get this question sometime, and find insulting, like saying, "Oh, that Mok sooo articulate." Is racist. Have asked Grammar Girl explain...

Cookie monster tends to refer to himself as "me" rather than in the third person (third Mok?) as Ookla does. This is the most obvious difference in their diction. Ookla's English is awful, as you'd expect since it's his second language. On the other hand, Mr. Monster speaks in normal English: complete sentences, proper verb/noun agreement, conjunctions, tenses.

His lone replacement is "me" for "I." Whereas Ookla tends to follow almost none of the normal rules of grammar, mixing tenses and the like -- also, using few personal pronouns. Nor is he above the occasional split infinitive. Oddly enough, Ookla received an A in English. I guess the teacher didn't want to be shoved face-first through the chalkboard.

Thanks, Grammar Girl. So, there you have. Also, it THE Cookie Monster, like The Batman. Not ask why. That how blue-fur like it. Give you one more free piece advice: No ever compare Ookla to stupid blue muppet again. Muppet no even have legs. Ookla have legs. You doubt? If do, Ookla give you foot-claw up behind to show.

As for Thundarr-Cookie ticket, Cookie no can run. Has record. Knocked over Mrs. Fields store in 70s. Ookla not look down on he, though. Ookla have trouble with law, too. Got sent up river to Big Cave as teenmok, rip head off sheriff but not rip head off deputy, still, put in jail. Sad time. Ookla read Bible, though, get degree, turn life around.

Thank you for you support.

OTM