Blurg! Is me, Ookla the Mok, come today speak you for old friend Thundarr to lead you tribe. Ookla no like public speaking, so write op-ed. Ookla also not know much about democracy. Moks no have elections or democracy. Mok society governed like representative republic. Ha. Ha. Mok humor. Me have you going for a sentar.No, Mok leadership decided first full moon at harvest month, when Stadium of Freedom is opened for all Mok who can pass tests of strength. These be candidates. Tests strength sort of like you human primaries, only no pancake flip. That stupid. If someone try make Mok flip pancake, Mok rip spatula away and shove up man’s cloacae.
So, where was me? You make Ookla lose place. Stupid. Oh, right, get you vote for Thundarr. Should not call voters stupid. Me sorry. Ookla have open-mic moment like Jesse Jackson or current puny human leader when he call reporter “big time” asshole in 2000.
Ookla like that though, ‘cause Ookla hate reporters. Always asking if fur is natural or dyed; want to dig up personal details about whether Thundarr and Ariel do mating dance outside marriage. Ookla one time bludgeon Helen Thomas into coma with she own notepad. Police come but judge let Ookla off because she look like one of Gemini’s troll and was honest mistake. Ookla given 24 hours of community service and suspended sentence.
Again lose place. Moks not write much better than speak well. Am dictating. (Bluuuurgh! No like word limits! You move other writer make space! Dump stupid Maureen Dowd. No one notice, anyway. One column same as other. Always talk about no male want to do mate dance with her. Boohoo!)
In Mok elections we have feats strength. Mok must fight other Moks in bare-fist battle. Call this “A-Mok Time.” Moks must also scale walls, run race, have kick-push competition, and given five minutes to rip as many sheep in half as he can.
Notice me say: he. Competition only open for males. Female Moks no lead. Female Moks stay at home; make kitten-moks. Ookla keep mate barefoot and pregnant. Of course, Ookla barefoot anyway, but is different for woman. She know if Ookla find her wearing shoes, he throw her out of cave – especially if shoes be stupid Crocks or Birkenstocks. Ookla hate stupid hippy footwear. Ookla like hippies, though, but can’t finish whole one. Ha ha.
So that how we Mok choose leader. You have elections. That stupid, but many thing human do stupid, like brush teeth, wash hands after pee, and give female flowers instead of useful thing like carcass of slain garfok. Or maybe real estate. Value only go up. Stupid humans invest tech stocks. Ookla steer clear. Diversified portfolio.
There me go insult voters again. Look, just vote Thundarr. Me not going to say he could win Mok feats of strengh in Stadium of Freedom, but he probably get to sheep tearing competition before campaign gold dry up and he have to throw support to other candidate – or get decapitated, which not bad way to go. Ookla decapitate many henchman if he feel sorry for them. Not everyone get job for good Wizard. Some end up stuck to serve crappy, blue-skinned pretty boy with voice sound like Bumblee – cartoon, not movie.
Ookla only just see movie. Mok no allowed in theater, seats too small and say too messy with popcorn. Man tried tell Oolah what happened in movie before me see, and Ookla rip his throat out. Ookla hate spoilers. Hates movie critics, too. Has restraining order against Gene Shallot. Is long story.
Thundarr be you good leader. Thundarr beat any contender, whether be younger, brown-fur puny human who complain about hip hurting – Thundarr no ever complain, boohoo! – or old, white-furred human with face rotting off. Me hear Old Man fight in battle long time ago, like when runaway planet screw everything up. But now he no can move arms above head to fend off Sun Sword. Thundarr dispatch him quickly, and with honor. Probably decapitate, though me no make promises.
Young brown-fur human just as easy for Thundarr. He like talk, talk, talk, bore you to sleep. Thundarr listen to me. Tell young rival you want talk around Peace Fire, then when he least expect it, blurgh! Sun Sword in eye. He never see coming.
Old woman who run may have better chance. Ariel sort of like, no help Thundarr, and know all his weakness. Not to mention dirty laundry. Not that Thundarr have any big scandal, but you know females. Stick together -- and not just in good ways like down at stream washing Ookla loin cloth. Talk about everything. Talk, talk, talk. Some men like that too. Wear flowers. Ookla not mind, but no talk him. Ookla talk with fist. Words like annoying insect in ear. Just make stop by punching source.
So, you vote Thundarr, okay? Okay. Me hope so. Me know so. You smart. You listen. You know Ookla like you, right? No? Yeah, he like you. You on Ookla decapitate list. Yes, see? Me like. Me even send you goat head to vote for Thundarr, if not for stupid campaign finance laws.
Me know can count on you support this fall, to make Thundarr next leader of the Fifty Fires. Hope he win, ‘cause if no, me come look for you day after Election Day. You not know where or when, just one day walking down street, whistling, maybe carrying sack of groceries, when out of nowhere...
“Bluuuuuurgh!”
Suddenly you head flying through air without body.
Just saying. Mok give fair warning. You no later say didn’t.
Vote Thundarr.
