Hello, Weak Man-Animals. Is me, Ookla, again, talk you about elect Thundarr.
No understand latest polls. What is methodology? Ookla polls much more accurate, wider sample. In stupid human polls, find brown-fur man and white-fur man tied with 42% of vote, 1% Nader, 1% Barr, with 14% too stupid to make decision.
But when Ookla canvas voters, finds 100% say they vote Thundar, 0% brown-fur, 0% white-fur, 0% undecided. No margin of error. Some so sure they vote Thundarr, they make pee on selves when Ookla ask. That motivated voter.Ookla watch both conventions. Thundarr consider convention, but after Ookla find election wrapped up, figure was no need. Now not so sure. Thundarr need bounce, maybe?
Tell you one thing: Thundarr convention have no talking, lots killing: mutants, wizards, henchmen. Democrat and Republican conventions all stupid bore. Mostly speeches make Ookla want kick-push TV out window. All talk, talk, talk. No fighting. No blood. No entrails. Not even maiming. Just words.
Ariel once tell Ookla that human fancy-boy Shaking-speare say, “pen more mighty than sword.” Ookla almost laugh hairy ass off, if not try be good wingman to Thundarr, who have good chance score that night after find abandoned liquor store from Old Days.
But really, me tell you: pen more mighty than sword? That sooo stupid ‘specially for human with name that have “spear” in it. Pen not more mightier than butter knife, or even Ginsu Knife. If fancy poet word-man come shake spear at Ookla, that one thing. Ookla take notice; at least respect man some little bit before dispatch him into Land of Souls. Maybe do so quickly, with honor.
If fancy-man come at Ookla shaking pen, Ookla take pen and shove it up his cloacae; really stretch out death. Maybe not even give him honor of being killed by mok. Maybe just maim badly, shred testicles, leave to die far up tree of infection.
Ookla hear cyborg pundit-with-wheels Krauthammer (again, with cool thing in name but just stupid talkie-talk) say this man-ape or she-ape to throw “red meat” to crowd. Ookla all excited. Make popcorn in favorite human-skull bowl. Tune in. But you guess it: no meat! Just words! That make Ooka want to bring wheel-man to top of highest hill in Savage Land, and push down side.
Too many broken promises in politics. You not get that with Thundarr. You see, Thundarr keep word: he say he give you meat, he give it.Mok conventions much more exciting is point. Few words, unless they “Blurgh!” or “Arrr” or “Growrrr” or “Arwh?” Moks not have keynote speaker. Moks have keynote mauler: bring up prisoner and behead in front of delegates. That get things going. Much more cheers than stupid human convention.
Point is, you vote Thundarr, not get four more years of talking and “my good friend.” Barbarian for president is bigger change than either man-ape running. America no have barbarian president since Andrew Jackson, who Ookla think actually mok in disguise. Not sure how, but sure. You argue? ... No, me not think so.
Mok for Secretary of Defense is also change. For one thing, change name to Secretary of Offense.
Hear flowery man-apes whine and complain about how much spent on military. Ookla finally understand: it ‘cause not used enough smash wizards and super-scientist toys. Ookla fix that Day One. Launch missiles, bombers, drones, everything. End scandal over Walter Reed and veterans benefits by order all soldiers fight to death. That good way to die, not surrounded by family all weepy-weepy.
You like that? Me knew you do.
In closing, you see conventions with own eyes – they much less keen than Mok eyes and no see in dark, but they see enough (especially stupid green screen behind white-fur man and fake temple for brown-fur man). Both you parties offer more same-same-same.
On Day of Choosing, you mark shell for Thundarr. Get new direction for America.
Yes, you vote Thundarr. You know what good for you. Not stupid like Ron Paul supporters. You notice he never close big mouth about anything, yet never say word against Thundarr? Yeah, Ookla give you just one guess why. Fancy doctor-man think he all tough, until you send head of slaughtered eldest son, then he shut up really fast. Give Johnny Fontaine part in movie, if you know what Ookla mean.
Oh, and police have no suspects. Ha ha. Fur of unknown, non-human origin found at scene. Ha ha. Ookla stump CSI.
Me cut you head off next, Ron Paul.
That change you can believe in.
